Senate Democrats Demand Supreme Court Nominee Not Be Unduly Influenced By U.S. Constitution

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Still reeling from Trump’s previous Supreme Court nominee, Neil Gorsuch, Democrats plan to scrutinize any new nominee to ensure that he or she isn’t yet another crony of something called “The Constitution,” Senate Democrats announced Friday.

“Time and time again, we find progressive laws getting struck down,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said in a Senate address. “And it’s always — always — the ones the Constitution is against. These right-wing judges don’t think for themselves, they just do whatever the Constitution says. And it’s time for that to end.” More>>

Democrats Grasping At Straws To Impeach Trump Now Regret Banning Straws

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats desperately grasping at straws to find grounds to impeach and convict Trump announced Tuesday they are now regretting banning plastic straws.

“We started grasping for straws but suddenly realized we had banned them a while back,” a downcast Nancy Pelosi told reporters. “We really should have seen this coming.” More>>

As Part Of Settlement With Nick Sandmann, CNN Hosts Must Wear MAGA Hats During All Broadcasts

ATLANTA, GA—According to a report, as part of the settlement with Nick Sandmann, CNN hosts will be required to wear MAGA hats throughout every broadcast.

“Let the punishment fit the crime,” counsel for Sandmann said as Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, Anderson Cooper, and Wolf Blitzer all solemnly donned Make America Great Again caps.

Hosts were seen with downcast expressions as they commented on the day’s events, MAGA hats in place. More>>

Iran To Replace State-Run Television With MSNBC Broadcast

TEHRAN—In a bid to cut costs and save time, Iran has announced that its 24/7 state propaganda station will be replaced with an MSNBC broadcast.

The decision to broadcast MSNBC instead of official state propaganda came after an MSNBC reporter parroted the false claims of the Iranian government after yesterday’s rocket attacks. More>>

Democrats Call For Flags To Be Flown At Half-Mast To Grieve Death Of Soleimani

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a press conference held on Capitol Hill Friday, mourning Democrat leaders called for flags to be flown half-mast to honor the death of Qasem Soleimani.

Flags were spotted flying at half-mast around the country, notably at The Washington PostThe New York Times, and in front of several celebrities’ homes. The celebrities went out and bought an American flag for the first time just to fly it at half-mast for this important time of grief. More>>

Man Identifying As 6-Year-Old Crushes Game-Winning Homer In Tee-Ball Championship

AUBURN, CA—Local 36-year-old man Nate Ripley, who identifies as a six-year-old, “absolutely crushed” a game-winning homer at a local tee-ball game and won the championship for his team Monday evening, reports confirmed.

Ripley reportedly walked up to the plate in the bottom of the 6th, pointed his bat toward the left-field wall looming 130 feet in the distance, and let her rip, sending the ball rocketing over the fence and into a parking lot as the fans cheered and his coach yelled out, “Attaboy, Nate! Good job, bud!” More>>

Motorcyclist Who Identifies As Bicyclist Sets Cycling World Record

NEW YORK, NY—In an inspiring story from the world of professional cycling, a motorcyclist who identifies as a bicyclist has crushed all the regular bicyclists, setting an unbelievable world record.

In a local qualifying race for the World Road Cycling League, the motorcyclist crushed the previous 100-mile record of 3 hours, 13 minutes with his amazing new score of well under an hour. More>>

Unsure What ‘Heartbeat’ Is, Hollywood Actors Come Out Against Heartbeat Bill Just To Be Safe

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Saying they hadn’t heard of the concept of having a beating heart, several Hollywood actors called for a boycott on any states that promised to protect babies with beating hearts.

In Hollywood, it’s customary to simply have a gaping black void or stone in lieu of a heartbeat. Thus, when bills began popping up to protect unborn children’s beating hearts, Hollywood knew they had to step up to fight this bizarre phenomenon. More>>