Man Identifying As 6-Year-Old Crushes Game-Winning Homer In Tee-Ball Championship

AUBURN, CA—Local 36-year-old man Nate Ripley, who identifies as a six-year-old, “absolutely crushed” a game-winning homer at a local tee-ball game and won the championship for his team Monday evening, reports confirmed.

Ripley reportedly walked up to the plate in the bottom of the 6th, pointed his bat toward the left-field wall looming 130 feet in the distance, and let her rip, sending the ball rocketing over the fence and into a parking lot as the fans cheered and his coach yelled out, “Attaboy, Nate! Good job, bud!” More>>

Motorcyclist Who Identifies As Bicyclist Sets Cycling World Record

NEW YORK, NY—In an inspiring story from the world of professional cycling, a motorcyclist who identifies as a bicyclist has crushed all the regular bicyclists, setting an unbelievable world record.

In a local qualifying race for the World Road Cycling League, the motorcyclist crushed the previous 100-mile record of 3 hours, 13 minutes with his amazing new score of well under an hour. More>>

Unsure What ‘Heartbeat’ Is, Hollywood Actors Come Out Against Heartbeat Bill Just To Be Safe

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Saying they hadn’t heard of the concept of having a beating heart, several Hollywood actors called for a boycott on any states that promised to protect babies with beating hearts.

In Hollywood, it’s customary to simply have a gaping black void or stone in lieu of a heartbeat. Thus, when bills began popping up to protect unborn children’s beating hearts, Hollywood knew they had to step up to fight this bizarre phenomenon. More>>